Day 77 - 259.5: Tonight, I'm Lonely

So, weight-loss can be a lonely thing. Everyone talks this really supportive game, with their sweet comments like, "Oh you look so great! You're just melting away!" Okay, really? That's super sweet, but it's not really accurate. If the pounds just melted off, I wouldn't have to be blogging every night, agonizing over every pound, shaking off the frenetic urge to eat french fries, and generally distancing myself from many things that used to give me solace. But, you see, that's not how it works. They don't just melt away, and I do have to do all of those things. And when you want me to skip my workout to go drinking with you, or if you want to know if I want to go eat at the new Italian food restaurant...I know you've just forgotten, but it still makes me feel all alone in my struggle.

People ask me why I'm so obsessed with Bollywood: the movies and the forums and Shah Rukh Khan and the music and the bangles. Well, here's why: It's my new, popular, sexy friend. It doesn't know the old me that sat on the couch, not caring whether I took care of myself or not. It only knows the me that gets up every day to work out. It doesn't gripe at me about work or homework or action plans or continuous improvement: it glows and sizzles and explodes with emotion. It reminds me every day to put on sparkly jewelry and makeup, and to think about what I look like. It lives in the heart of my most secret fantasies of beauty.

It's not that I don't love my real life or my real friends or my real family anymore - I do, very much. And they love me, too...but I'm pretty sure they don't always understand me. Even those that love me will tell me that I'm a little odd, a little OTT, a little too intense. I get it. Sometimes I even overwhelm myself. So I come out here: to this place, exposed to all, yet completely alone, and I talk to you. I vent off enough of what's inside that I don't explode in my real life. I talk of the things I can't seem to say out loud.

I wish you talked back. Sometimes.

Breakfast - 4 eggs with chicken and chiles: you can take the chicken out of the can, but...you know.
Lunch - In and Out Double Double Protein-style
Dinner - celery with blue cheese sauce

Exercise - the BW Booty Shake with extra time working out the steps to Dard-e-Disco, and extra rounds of Zumba Chammak Challo, just because it makes me smile to do it.

Day 76 - 260.5: Tired Poetry Slam

Haiku:
WOW that Shah Rukh Khan
Shocking eyes that trap their prey
No woman is safe

Those abs are a sin
I know I'd burn in Hell, but...
OH, I want to touch

Crazy SRK
Those luscious, nightmare villains...
SURE you can't relate?

Okay, one more - no SRK, I promise:
A man of no sound
And a girl with no rhythm
Bring music to life
(Barfi, FYI)

Breakfast - the latte
Lunch - leftover wings
Dinner - Fuzzy's salad

Exercise - Jazzercise, and I felt every day this week I failed to work out!

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Day 75 - 260.5: Thrashed

Tons to say, but no energy - I'm suffering the late-night headache that comes from falling asleep too early, plus I missed out on a night with friends. Boo hiss.

Breakfast - the latte and Atkins bar
Lunch - nothing
Dinner - some wings and an In 'n' Out "double-double protein style"

Exercise - swimming upstream in the wave pool and climbing like a gazillion stairs.

Watched a bunch of movies that I'm dying to talk about -maybe tomorrow. A taste: SRK done three ways - verdict, hot, hotter, and DAMN. (P.S. - the DAMN goes to Max in the movie Josh - I'm still a bit swooned.)


Ambien's kicking in. Gotta bail.

Day 73 - No Scale on Vacay: Day One

Well, I'm playing hooky from work. That sort of a rarity in my career - teachers don't do much playing hooky because it's so much damn effort to get ready. Nevertheless, here I am at an undisclosed family resort with a giant indoor water park, living the dream. Today's workout: swimming upstream in the lazy river and maintaining lane position in the wave pool. It's so much fun, but I can't lie - I miss my Bollywood workout. I did watch the first half of Ram-Jaane tonight, before I got too tired to stay awake. You know when I can't even stay awake to stare at SRK, it's definitely time to go to bed, dude.

Maybe tomorrow I'll bust out some Chammak Challo in the middle of the wave pool....

Breakfast - Atkins bar and the latte
Lunch - Atkins snack bar
Dinner - combo fajitas from Chili's

Exercise - water park frivolity

Day 72 - Dead Battery

So, I didn't work out yesterday, because I felt like ass. Today I actually felt worse, but I had so much guilt that I felt like I needed to try to work out anyhow. I bloated myself with about 85 ounces of water and then jumped in. I continued to feel like ass, quite possibly worse than ass, for the first three songs or so. Then, on comes Dard-e-Disco. At the risk of sounding repetitive, this video is almost like a religious experience. At first I found it hard to even concentrate on the steps.
And all of a sudden I found I really could do everything in the video. It was sort of a surreal experience: I'm still not exactly sure how I managed it. Still, all of a sudden I felt slight less excrementory and a bit more....not sexy, but comfortable. I realize that my body was going to let me take care of myself, even working out. So sweat I did: Bollywood Booty Shake for at least 45 minutes, with an extra few minutes on those abs, cause DAMN.

Breakfast - Atkins bar and "the latte"
Lunch - another bar
Dinner - rotisserie chicken and 2 TBS peanut butter

Exercise - can I just say, I love "zoobi Doobi" from 3 Idiots and I love "Luxk Aazma" from Luck. But the heart of the BW Booty Shake, it's SRK. You know what, Khan-haters, here it is: I LOVE SHAH RUKH KHAN!!!!!! Not in a weird stalker way, but still. He's who I want to work out with, so there. there! I'm an SRK embarrassing fangirl.. SUE ME!!!!!!! But he keeps me smiling, and he keeps me dancing, which keeps me with my family.

Day 71 - 260: Doctor's Orders

I went to the doctor today (Fat girl reality check: Urinary tract infection. Enough said.), and they asked me if I had been on a diet. I told them yes, but wondered why they were asking. The nurse practitioner was happy to inform me that I had lost 17 pounds since my last visit in March. If the doctor asking you what you've done to lost weight isn't the seal of approval, I don't know what is. Boo-YAH.

Breakfast - nothing (my students dropped my latte...damn)
Lunch - a handful of almonds, because once again I forgot my food at home
Dinner - Egg salad and grilled chicken

Exercise - Not today...I'm too miserable from the UTI

A boring post for a boring day. Sorry people. I'll try harder tomorrow

Day 70 - 259: The Power of the Tens Place

Numbers are a funny thing. Even though you know they mean one thing, you can feel like they mean something else.  Although sometimes this is a problem, in this case, it turned out to be a a serious morale boost.  Even though I know it's just 24 pounds, somehow the sound of going from the 280's to the 250's is incredibly heartening.  And here's the other thing: if my goal was to lose 100 pounds, this would mean I'm one quarter of the way there.  Now don't misunderstand - I certainly am not planning that much in the long term just yet.  However...it is fairly awesome to think about.

One more thing: a note for my precious son, whose birthday cake I skipped this weekend.   When you asked me why I couldn't have any cake, I told you it was because I wanted to save it all for you.  That's only partly true.  What I want to save is more than the cake: it's myself, for many more of your birthdays to come.  You are the reason I'm here: the reason I keep on trying every day.  

Breakfast - coffee and 2 TBS peanut butter
Lunch - turkey sausage and artichokes
Dinner - more lunch

Exercise - the BW Booty Shake with the Chammak Challo Zumba routine I found...HOLLA to Nilesh, the Zumba god: https://www.facebook.com/ZacZumbaKing  Plus, I did about 3 hours of folding laundry ( upper body workout!!!!)

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The 1 AM Movie Review - Yes, Boss

I saw the film The Apartment many years ago and just loved it.  I'm not generally a fan of Shirley MacLaine, but she just lights up with Jack Lemmon in this funny, funny film. When I read a synopsis of Yes, Boss, I didn't make the connection - silly in hindsight, when the similarities are so clear.  Nevertheless, I wasn't particularly keen on watching this movie, and had it not been for my abiding puppy love for SRK, I might have removed it from my queue completely.

And oh, what a loss that would have been.  This movie made me believe in the romantic image of a Juhi Chawla/Shah Rukh Khan jodi (couple) again, and I didn't think ANYTHING could do that again after the wicked craziness that was Darr.  This movie had exactly that fun, saucy vibe of the Apartment, with a sweet heart and a Bollywood soul.  It has great dance numbers, including this treasure, "Main Koi Aisa Geet Gaoon":

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In fact, the entire section of the film set in Switzerland just won me over:  I actually shoved my husband awake from a sound sleep to make him look at SRK splashin' around with some dude in a hotel tub.  I laughed and squirmed at the same time: I still can't decide if I'm turned on, grossed out, or just plain in stitches over it.

As I mentioned, I wasn't too sure about watching this film;  but now, I'm a zealot of the converted.  I just loved this film - Juhi was lovely and funny in the film, and it might just be the gold-medal winner for SRK sweet yumminess. This goes on the "must-buy" list, for sure.

Day 68 - 261: Man, I Hate Thursday

Thursday sucks. That's right - you heard me. Thursday is so damn long, with meetings every single week. On top of that, my boys always seem to have a built-up exhaustion from the week that erupts into full-scale tantrums on Thursday. And believe you me, when that business gets started at MY house, it's hours before everyone recovers. In the last three weeks, I've missed a workout on each Thursday; from craziness, business, or sheer exhaustion. So, Thursday has degenerated into a wasteland of poor habits. I'll be thinking over the next week of ways to take back Thursday: any ideas are welcome.

In any event, here I am on Friday night (er...Saturday morning), feeling better. overall. I'm playing hooky next Thursday, which I think is, on occasion, quite good for the soul.

Breakfast - latte
Lunch - (my breakfast that I didn't eat) chilaquiles from Fuzzy's
Dinner - grilled chicken from Regio ( SO yummy) and some avocado salsa

Exercise - I tried some Zumba on YouTube, and it was fun, plus an excellent workout; however, I got homesick and found a Zumba "Chammak Challo" to finish the night.

Day 66 - 262: My Scale is a Sneaky Bastard

So, I still play the Scale Game. I know it's silly and counterproductive, but I can't help it. I probably weigh 5 times a day: before my shower, after it, if I drop a deuce (I know - how attractive is THAT????), after dinner, before bed...it's gotten ridiculous. Plus, each time I weigh, I jump off and on the scale like a madman: I scoot to this side and that side, I shuffle my feet to the very front of the scale. And the scale KNOWS. It taunts me with 256...279...240...it's like Wheel of Fortune. Or Press Your Luck: "260, 260, no whammies, no whammies...DAMN! 262." It's a holdover from some very bad old habits, and I'll have to work on it.

Breakfast - the latte
Lunch - canned chicken and a green bell pepper
Dinner - 2 sliders and a tomato with blue cheese sauce; 2 TBS peanut butter

Exercise - the BW Booty Shake with extra emphasis on the Booty Shake. (I might have to take "Dard-e-Disco" out of the rotation - I'm finding myself grinding to a standstill with my mouth hanging open during the water section, 'cause, DAMN.)

Day 65 - 263: Netflix is Taunting Me

My copy of Deewana was cracked. It's the third video in two weeks that's turned up that way. I read some oblique references in the forum that lead me to believe it's a common thing among BW films. Fortunately, Bazigaar showed up, too and it seems fine. I put off watching tonight (fourth grade longitude/latitude homework and the premiere of Bones sucked up my evening), but tomorrow it goes on the "must-see" list....

Breakfast - almonds and "the latte"
Lunch - sliced zucchini and 2 sliders with blue cheese sauce
Dinner - water; I just didn't feel like eating, which is odd for me. Hope it's not a bug coming on...

Exercise - "kick my ass" Jazzercise, along with a little "Koi Ladki Hai" from Dil To Pagal Hai, because I love the kids dancing with SRK in the rain - so true to life, right?

Okay, universe - please, please let my DVD work tomorrow...

Day 64 - 263.5: When Technology Sucks, the Husband Shines

The gods of technology we're conspired against my workout today. Connectivity issues made following along with my BW Booty Shake nigh on to impossible. So, my spectacular husband just did what comes naturally to him: he downloaded the videos, converted them, then compiled them into a single video using iMovie. Now my entire workout is on iTunes and on a flash drive. And this is AFTER I told him he needed to work on his SRK Dard-e-Disco abs. This guy is a prince among men: I wouldn't trade him in, even for a King...

Breakfast - eggs with blue cheese and bacon; coffee
Lunch - I don't think I ate .... Oh, yeah. Smoked oysters. Ugh.
Dinner - 4 slider patties with blue cheese sour cream

Exercise - a full hour of the BW Booty Shake, thanks to my awesome man.

The (almost) 1 AM Movie Review: Koyla and Dil To Pagal Hai

Well, talk about the opposite ends of the spectrum.  This was an evening of extremes:  Koyla, with its excessive violence,  vengeful storyline, and variously disturbed characters; and Dil To Pagal Hai, with its urban feel, typical "boy meets girl" scenario, and acres of longing glances, wistful sighs, and smiles.  The two share but one thing in common:  fantastic leads in (mullet-sporting) Shah Rukh Khan and Madhuri Dixit.  Both of them elevate what could have been cinematic lead up to the level of "pretty damn good Bollywood", if I do say so myself.

Koyla is the agonizing love story of two people damaged by an evil tyrant (Amrish Puri, who despite having to say, "Bloody fool" about 1000 times too many, is a quite dynamic insane villain).  SRK plays this role of the mute, slavishly loyal, horribly abused Shenkar with his usual zest and charisma, somehow pulling off sexy despite all odds.  (how does he DO that????) 

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Madhuri takes a tough role (the victim is always underrated) and makes it convincing, beautiful, strong, and empathetic, also against all expectation.  This film vascillates widely between DDLJ, Forrest Gump, and Rambo.  It is in turn sensual, achingly romantic, horribly bloody, and heartbreaking.  By the end, I was so tired I was almost too exhausted to cheer the happy ending.  But that didn't stop me from loving, LOVING this film.

This is actually the second go-round for me on Dil To Pagal Hai, and I still can't quite decide how I feel about it.  There were some moments of greatness: 

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SRK was yummy throughout the film, managing to make even a ridiculous fear of dogs and a TOTAL lack of sensitivity to his in-love best friend (played pretty well by Karisma Kapoor) adorable.   Madhuri's dancing is just lovely, showing off her amazing versatility.  The two of them have ka-BAM on-screen chemistry.  And yet, for all that, this movie just doesn't make it to the "Tier 1 Must-See" list for me.  Some of it I can pinpoint:  while many of my favorite Bollywood films are very dated in costuming, makeup, and hair, this film seems to have an unusual problem in that regard.  Those dance outfits???? Yeesh - painful.  And along the same lines, some of the dancing has a strange, out-of-time quality:  it's as if they were trying to catch the vibe of the late 80's, but missed it somehow.  The opening scene of the movie, the dancing of Pooja's (Maya's) first rehearsal, the Thunderdome-style dance-off between the girls:  all of this left me surprisingly cold.  Maybe my age makes me particularly sensitive to these items - it might just be that they're too close for comfort!  I have to admit that, as a die-hard, still working through my puppy love fan of SRK, I enjoyed this film; and, if you are a fan of either of these actors, you will too.  If you're just getting into Bollywood, it's a fun starter film.

However...If I were to watch one of these over again, it would be Koyla. There's just something delicious about that slightly nutty Shah Rukh Khan that gets me every time...and I'm fairly sure that it says something disturbing about my personality!

Day 63 - 264.5: Punishment and Penance

For the first time since I began this journey, I skipped workout two days in a row.  No excuses - I effed up.  Thursday was a choice: after the marathon homework session that I slogged through (my husband's term) with my 9-year old, which followed a long, arduous day at work, I decided to bond with my husband and decompress with some actual TV (Glee....my "not Bollywood" addiction).  Then Friday, I came home fully intending to Bollywood jam.  I walked in to find a new movie from Netflix waiting for me, and I was SO excited to get it (it was Koyla), and I was just going to watch a few minutes, and....no excuses.  I could've, should've paused the movie and exercised.  The first real step backwards isn't the skipping exercise, it would be the acting like it was okay.  It's not.  I got up this morning and Jazzercised my butt off, and I will, no excuses, do a full hour of BW Booty Shake.

You know what the stupidest part is?  I love the BW Booty Shake.  I have a great time doing it, my kids love the music, and I feel so proud when I'm done.  I can't explain why I didn't get up - I guess if I could, I wouldn't be where I am, clawing my way back from the brink.  In any event, it's done now.  A very smart therapist (the only kind who can ever sneak past my very elaborate defenses) once told me,"guilt is productive; shame is not.".  I felt guilt for skipping the workout: that prompts me to get back on the wagon.  Shame would only put me back in the pantry at midnight, eating in secret:  lying on the couch, wishing I could just sleep my life away.  Shame is no longer welcome here.

Breakfast - a bunch of almonds
Lunch - scrambled eggs with blue cheese and chives; coffee; about 6 blackberries
Dinner - Quarter Pounder w/cheese, no bun (terrible, I know, but there it is)

Exercise - Jazzercise with SERIOUS effort

Day 61 - 263.5

Tired - Work is long, and then 2 hours of absolutely brutal homework time with my son.

Watch for the return of the 1 AM Movie Review...soon.

Breakfast - chicaquiles from Fuzzy's (eggs, chorizo, pico, cheese) - yum
Lunch - salad from Fuzzy's (a theme)
Dinner - smoked oysters, Swiss cheese, green beans - BLECH!!!

Exercise - jumping up and down and pacing during homework time

One bright spot - switched my Netflix to 2 DVD's at a time. Hadippa!

Day 60 - 263: Twenty pounds later

Well, here we are. One day at a time a milestone has been reached. It's about 1/6 of what I needed to lose at the start, which means I have a daunting 100 pounds ahead. I still think all too often about falling off of the wagon; every day I look at myself in the mirror and think,"Is today the day? Will I give in to some silly urge to eat a candy bar? Will I skip my workout and eat pasta for dinner?"

For sixty days I've stayed the course, for the most part. I ate smaller portions (mostly) and remembered what it's like to feel real hunger. I've worked out almost every day, getting to know my muscles and sweat glands anew. I've journaled most days, sharing with the emptiness my fear and my frustration and my terrifying hope.

I've learned how to say "You're crazy" in Hindi (tum bilkul paagal ho), and I've learned phonetically how to sing "Main Hoon Na" at the top of my lungs. I joined about a billion other people (literally) and fell a little in love with Shah Rukh Khan. I got in touch with my inner shawty, and I purchased enough bangles to accessorize an elephant's trunk.

All in all, it's been a great two month start. Tomorrow...one more day. See you on Day 61. And here's the reason why.

Day 59 - 264: Peace and Hope Stopped By

I'm brutally tired, but I'm much more at peace with myself today. I met two of my goals: I packed and ate lunch, and I Jazzercised like a freako-soccer mom possessed. I hurt and ache, but my mind is calm.

Hope shows up every time I get on the scale, but some days she offers you a little "Hope Bump" when you're feeling defeated like me. So, a good solid pound lost, which means.....19 pounds lost. So tantalizingly close to 20...but, no. This is not a game; it's my life. So, no rounding up. When that 20th pound comes off, I'll sing from the snow capped hills just like my beloved SRK in Humko Humise Churalo from Mohabbetein. (Well, I lip-synch it like him, anyway.

I'm going through some serious withdrawal, so I NEED a fix of Shah Rukh Khan aching, earnest, overacted deliciousness very, very soon...like TOMORROW!!!!!

Breakfast - the latte and almonds
Lunch - egg salad and a cucumber
Dinner - smoked oysters and Swiss cheese ( I know - even I'm grossed out)

Exercise - an ass-kicking hour of Jazzercise...gotta put in what you want out.

Day 58 - 265.5: Feelin' Like Crap

I'm sliding off of the wagon. I haven't done anything truly sinful yet, but it hangs over me like a shroud. Right now, here in the dark, I just want to quit: to cry and cry and eat a gallon of pasta.  I can't guarantee that I won't,  someday soon.  But today, for just one more day, I stayed the course.  'Cause I've gotta.

Breakfast - coffee
Snack - 2 oz. cheese
Lunch - beef fajitas no beans/rice/tortillas
Dinner - egg salad

Exercise - 17 minutes of Bollywood until my stomach gave out and my YouTube playlist got fried.

Tomorrow...one more day.

Day 54 - 266: I'm Noticing an Unpleasant Trend, Here...

So, I'm hoping I've not hit a plateau, which would really, really suck. I did haul my ass out of bed this morning and work out for 30 minutes, then went to Jazzercise this afternoon, so I'm feeling pretty good about myself at the moment. I hope the old scale doesn't give me the proverbial smackdown when I land on it tomorrow morning.

New routine: "Hadippa" from movie of same name with Rani and Shahid. It's a beast of a routine - I'll feel a real sense of accomplishment if I can even get through it enough to add it to the workout! Right now it's still in preliminary testing, which means "on Saturdays when my kids and husband are at my mother-in-law's house".

Breakfast - latte (you know the one)
Lunch - two chicken breasts (I forgot to eat my egg salad!)
Dinner - some Swiss cheese and a sugar free Snack Pack pudding


That's pretty pathetic, actually - I'm going to put my attention tomorrow to eating healthy and moderately throughout the day.

Exercise - mentioned above

Been posting my butt off on BollyWHAT so I can get off of "chorus girl" status: I'm not sure how many posts that takes, exactly, but I'm committed to the cause - guest appearance status by Christmas! I'm resurrecting polls from two years ago, so I'm sure people are saying, "What the hell is this new girl doing?"

I mentioned this yesterday, but it's still on my mind - I watched Zamaana Deewana yesterday: total cheese, but OH, how I LOVE that baby SRK!!!!!!  Those eyes and dimples... I'm just all atwitter. My case of puppy love is lingering...I hope my husband doesn't mind.

Day 53 - 266: sigh.......

Took my Ambien too early, so now I'm in a stupor. I'll be quick: watched Zamaana Deewana tonight, and I set my expectations pretty low. It barely met those for the first 30 minutes, and then, "BAM!". Just full on, no holds barred floppy hair, wide eyes, pouty mouth, and then like a lightening bolt, those breathtaking dimples. Over the top, slightly off balance...I cheerfully confess to a mad case of puppy love for this insane, intense, passionate, sexy boy of Shah Rukh Khan's youth. I adore him still, but those early 90's movies...that tiniest clutch of the heart that makes you gasp, just a little.

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Oh, yeah -
Breakfast - small square of casserole
Lunch - grilled chicken and celery
Dinner - grilled chicken and egg salad

Exercise - I suck. Twice tomorrow, I think. We'll see.

P.S. Have I mentioned that moment where SRK and a costar clutch madly, and he buries his face in her neck/chest while she arches back in ecstasy? Who needs kissing when you have THAT???

Day 52 - 266: Oh Happy, Desi-wannabe Day!

Labor Day - a celebration of work by not working.  That's a holiday I can get behind.

Exercise - worked out while my husband and younger son were shooed out of the house and my older son was in mourning (a story for another blog), which meant an hour of serious sweat.  I added back in a couple of old favorites, Phir Milenge Chalte Chalte and Criminal, which I've missed like old friends.  I'm also making some mew friends...Ghum Shuda and I are still trying to get to know each other, and the Hadippa remix is taking me for a ride; however, I think we'll be cuddled up like Main Hoon Na and Marjaani Marjaani very soon.

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Breakfast - casserole
Lunch - wedge of Swiss with horseradish mustard
Movie snack - almonds and Diet Pepsi
Dinner - grilled chicken breast

And my "oh Happy Day"?  I went to see Ek Tha Tiger in the THEATER today!  It was just so much fun...it's going to have to be a weekly thing.

Day 51(ish) - 266

Film marathon this weekend...I've watched Hum Tumhare Hain Sanam, Saathiya, Kismat Konnection, and 3 Idiots, along with bunches of YouTube. These boys Vivek Oberoi and Shahid Kapoor...they're not SRK, but they're pretty yummy. I see the appeal!

I finally got accepted into the Bollywhat? Forum, which is awesome! Makes me feel less alone in my fanaticism...

Breakfast - breakfast casserole
Lunch - turkey celery nachos
Dinner - more casserole

Exercise - walked around the pond for 30 minutes, which sucked...AGAIN. Why do I keep trying that? Tomorrow, back to dancing.