Day 168 - 234.8: Auld Lang Syne

2012 didn't start out as a banner year: not bad, really - just a sort of let-down. 2011 had ended with an enormous goal being met as I received my Master's degree, but 2012 was offering up not much in the way of opportunity. Without something to occupy every waking moment, and some sleeping ones, I found myself at mental and emotional loose ends. Years of bad habits and worse self-talk began to dominate my life. It was a sort of gradual, seemingly inexorable slide that I could neither pinpoint nor stop. By mid-year, I was in a bad, bad place, and I didn't really even know how I got there.

And then, a light turned on. A strange, wonderfully silly movie made me smile, then another made me tap my foot, and another made me dance. A look in the mirror made me scared and pissed instead of sad and defeated. A moment of insight turned into a public statement of accountability. An actor immortal to half the planet but utterly unknown in my world became my workout partner, language coach, and fangirl crush. One day at a time, I began to return to my life. I began losing weight, which was awesome, but more importantly, I found my inner smile again.

And here, on the edge of the new year, I look back on 2012 and know that I haven't met any goal for weight, or fitness, or even faithful blog writing. But here's what I did do: I began. I stood up. I moved my ass. I chose what I ate. I decided to live differently. Some days I failed, but every day I faced with intention.

I can live with that. Come on 2013...I'm waiting.

The 1 AM Movie Review: Phir Bhi Dil Hai Hindustani

I got this movie for Christmas from my sweet husband who just looked for SRK's name in the stars list and went for it. I knew that the movie had done really, really badly at the box office, but I really like the SRK/Juhi jodi situation; plus, that movie was right around the time where SRK basically reached peak hotness for me (2000-2004 hair is THE BEST), so I went for it.

It must show my "way-too-American-and-15-years-too-late-out-of-touch"iness, but I sorta dug this movie.

SRK and Juhi Chawla play "Anderson Cooper meets TMZ" style reporters who begin as no holds barred rivals then join forces to reveal some true news. Of course, because it's required filmi, the two fall in love in the process. And did I mention that they successfully stage a massive populist rebellion against a corrupt relationship between politicians and the media? All while staying gorgeous throughout...except when SRK ends up with his sexy face beaten, just a bit (not too much, now - can't have any swelling). Because, really - how can he have his dramatic ending without a bloody cheek? I mean, you've SEEN DDLJ, right?

But seriously. The item numbers were high energy, sexy, silly fun. Juhi is looking pretty damn adorable throughout this film, and her dancing is clean and strong. The song "I'm the Best" is seriously addictive, and SRK as Elvis? That's a perfect fit. The story line was OTT but still engaging, and the movie was both funny and serious in the right places. I especially love the cat. Just watch - you'll see..."I LOVE cats."


Honestly, I wouldn't mind seeing some more of this kind of film from SRK. Although, in the wake of JTHJ and with Chennai Express on the way, I don't suppose I'll hold my breath...

Day 167 - 235.8: Bookworm

It's not great for my family when I find a new book series to read. It's especially a problem when I find the series all ready completed, as was the case with the "Seven Realms" series I just finished today. My poor family basically lost me for three straight days. Plus, a Christmas present became irresistible, so I spent a couple of additional hours watching Phir Bhi Dil Hai Hindustani... more on that later.

It could be that I am just in Christmas un-decorating denial.

Breakfast - scrambled eggs with Swiss cheese
Lunch - 3 mini meatballs and an Atkins bar
Dinner - lunchmeat and cheese wraps

Day 166 - 236.4: Just a Number....Right

"They" (meaning whoever spouts off platitudes) talk about a lot of things as being "just a number": age is just a number, weight is just a number, clothing size is just a number.

Yeah, ummm.....bullshit.

You say things like that are "just a number" for one of two reasons: one, you are trying to pretend something doesn't matter when it does; or two, you don't have anything to worry about. So, for instance, age is "just a number" when you're 70 looking back at 40, or when you're 25 pretending like you've lived an actual life by then.

In my case, weight is not "just a number": it's a battle. Every 10th of a pound is a fight, a fight I worry about losing every day. Five pounds in a month? Only one pound in the last 16 days? Not only is that a fight, it's freakin' trench warfare. "You take one pound off, you put one pound back, you take one pound off, and you readjust your fat..." It's the Hokey Pokey from HELL. This number can make (or more often recently, break) my attitude for the day. It matters.

My pants size, too, is not "just a number", but a visceral reminder each day of the size of my butt and my progress, or lack thereof. Today, a rockstar moment: I put on a size 18 jeans that fit. Granted, they are probably the largest size 18 ever, but that's exactly my point: the number, it matters. Wearing a pair of pants without a 2 on the label? That's an emotional victory. It matters.

Time will pass, and these numbers, the symbols of this moment, will fade into the blur of the past. But in this moment, each is more than "just a number": they are signposts along the way, guiding me from one day to the next.  AND. THEY. MATTER.

Breakfast - latte
Lunch - carnitas salad from Freebirds
Dinner - homemade "unwich"

Exercise - Jazzercise

In a brief Bollywood moment: my husband installed our new Blu-Ray player today, and I re-watched Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham, which I love, love, love, even for all its ridiculous emotional pandering and melodrama. Everyone is just so damn gorgeous in this movie. And that scene in the carnival with SRK putting those bangles on Kajol? Weak in the knees, baby, weak in the KNEES.

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Day 164 - 237.0: Waking from the Long Winter's Nap

I've basically been asleep for two days. I did go to Jazzercise this morning, and I've read a couple of books. But essentially, I've been napping.... not physically, just mentally. It's as if I I have needed to hibernate for a bit, to regenerate myself, so to speak. Now, I'm a little bit overdone – a little bit cramped, a little bit strung out, and a lot ready to get up tomorrow and do something....like watch 12 hours of Bollywood.

Breakfast - the latte and some almonds
Lunch - spicy tomato grilled chicken with green beans
Dinner - more chicken and beans

Exercise - Jazzercise

Christmas Eve - 11:37 PM

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care...

Weight at 11:30 PM: 238.8
Attitude: exhausted and ready

Christmas Eve - 5:33 PM

Peace at last. I'm rewarding myself with Pride and Prejudice and hot tea. Egg casserole in the oven, cookie dough ready....T-minus 6.5 hours and counting.

Attitude: relief

Christmas Eve - 11:02 AM

Finished an entire hour at Jazzercise, which makes me feel like I got something done today for me. Day three with my in-laws is about to begin...yep.

Weight at 11:00 AM: 237.2
Attitude: equal parts resigned and at peace

Christmas Eve - 8:23 AM

So, the holiday season has not been kind to my Bollywood fetish or my blogging habits. In an effort to work out my business and get back on track, I'm going to try a different approach - the "Twitter timeline carpet bomb" approach. Here we go:

Drinking a sugar-free breve peppermint mocha at Starbucks - sneaked out of my house to Jazzercise @ 9.

Weight at 7:45 AM: 237.6
Attitude: cautiously optimistic

Day 153 - 240: Highs and Lows

It's been a whirlwind couple of days, full of great joy and unspeakable sadness. On Friday, I learned with the rest of the country that in a classroom far from my own, and yet somehow right next door, an act of unfathomable violence took the lives of teachers just like me and of children just like my younger son. How do we reassure our children about their safety in the face of such a violation? How do we let our own children walk out the door to face the risk of such violence and uncertainty? I don't have answers.

That same night I had the great honor to be selected by my peers as Teacher of the Year. Afterwards a group of close friends came to my house and sang and danced and laughed the night away.

Today I had the opportunity to go to the House that Jerry Built and watch my beloved Pittsburgh Steelers with my mom. My Steelers lost, in overtime, as is typical – ripping my heart out of my chest. But I got to spend an afternoon with my favorite person watching my favorite team play my favorite sport. It's hard to feel anything but joy in that.

Upon returning home, I sat down with my husband and listened to President Obama's remarks at the memorial for those precious fallen children and brave educators in Newtown. I look over and see my silly, precious tiara right laying on a table next to a president speaking of teachers who died for their students this week.

I feel love, and gratitude, and pain. I feel so vulnerable, so small.... so resolved. I will walk into my classroom tomorrow, and I will hold their hands, and I will comfort their hearts, and I will teach their minds. I will go to school, and I will do the job. And then I will come home, I will hold my boys tight, and I will fill them with a mother's love.

I've been blessed with this life, and so I will live it...'cause I've gotta.

Friday:
Breakfast - latte
Lunch - Atkins bar
Dinner - Italian sausage and caprese salad
Dessert - a couple of random cocktails...

Exercise - frenetic party jam and Just Dance Wii

Saturday:
Brunch – fantastic omelette at Vickery Blvd. Café
Dinner – Freebirds burrito bowl and a piece of grilled chicken
Snack – another piece of grilled chicken

Exercise - Jazzercise

Sunday:
Breakfast – two pieces of grilled chicken
Lunch – uninspiring steak and broccoli from Chili's
Dinner – two more pieces of grilled chicken

Exercise - contact football fan

Day 150 - 237.4: Waterlogged

I drank about 60 ounces of water in a single sitting this evening. It was the best thing I could think of to divert myself from the frantic crave for comfort food. This was maybe the biggest challenge in these last 150 days of the program, this primal urge to suffocate my anger and anxiety with food.

So now I am sloshy, but I resisted, and the crisis has passed. One of the little victories on the way.

Breakfast - guts of 2 burritos
Lunch - rest of breakfast
Dinner - hot&sour soup and beef with green beans

Exercise - does gift wrapping count?

Day 148 - 238.2: A Good Day, Yaar

All in all, this day was alright. My students stepped up and did their thing, and I managed to get a work out in even with an unbelievably aching toe, so I would call that a victory. Oh, and did I mention my weight is at a 6 YEAR LOW? I'll take that, baby. Bring on the celebration! Ohhhh...what's that, you say? No one cares? It's the holiday, and everyone else has their own shit going on? Even the people who love me are sick of hearing about it?

I know, I know. That's why I'm out here with you. If you get sick of hearing about it and stop listening, I don't know to be hurt by it. It's a win – win. So, thanks, yaar...

Breakfast - Atkins bar and latte
Lunch - leftover carne asada and flame-thrower chicken
Dinner - Swiss cheese with brown mustard
Dessert - ricotta with stevia and cinnamon - yum.

Exercise - 40 minutes of Just Dance 4 - the game is way, WAY fun, people.

Day 147 - 239.6: Snow...yeah!....eh.

The day started out promising, with a light dusting of snow, but rapidly turned into a typical day, doing typical things. I had an evening school event, so no workout, which is probably why I feel blah. I also have an infected toe which is bothering the hell out of me. I probably need to go get that looked at tomorrow. Nice, right? I know you couldn't have gone to bed without hearing all about that.

I do have a couple of movies to check out: Pyaar Kiya To Darna Kya, starring Salman Khan and Kajol; and Band Baaja Baaraat, starring Anushka Sharma (love!) and Ranveer Singh. I'll keep you posted...

Breakfast - Atkins bar and mixed nuts
Lunch - skipped...and regretted it
First dinner - 2 1/2 pieces of spicy chicken and carne asada from Regio
Second dinner - about 5 bites of grilled chicken and ground beef in spicy green sauce

Exercise - no. And I miss it.

I WANT TO LOSE SOME WEIGHT!!!!! The slow pace is starting to wear on my resolve...

Day 146 - 239.8: And So It Goes

This time of year often gets to be on autopilot: clean this, wrap that, attend this event, host that event, shop, eat, eat, eat. It can be a challenging time to stay on the plan. It is for this reason I am so grateful that I began 145 days ago to create new routines. What does that mean? Well, it means even with 5 different holiday events in the last week, I still managed to lose a bit and get in at least 3 days of exercise. I don't mean to brag, but...

Breakfast - Mexican omelette from Marquez Bakery
Lunch - chicken and ground beef with insanely spicy green sauce, coffee
Dinner - not hungry after lunch ... just leftover coffee

Exercise - 45 minutes of Just Dance 4, Bhangra badass - check out my earlier blog for the run down

The 5 PM Video Game Review – Just Dance 4

I treated myself to an early Christmas gift. I'm having a party Friday; to either celebrate my victory as Teacher of the Year, or to drown my sorrows for losing once again (in a manner of speaking), and I thought that Just Dance 4 would be a more festive alternative to beer pong. I popped in the game today, and low and behold...

BHANGRA!!!!! That's right people - Bollywood Wii. (The song, "Mundian To Bach Ke", is also featured on Dance Central 3.) Granted, it's only one song, and it's sharing disc space with "Never Gonna Give You Up" by Rick Astley, but hey – it's there.

The song has the "crew" feature, which means that there are four separate parts to on the song. So, for me, that means four different routines to learn. I just finished dancing to the same song for 45 straight minutes, and I still didn't quite ace it. It's a strange combination of Bhangra and hip-hop that takes a bit of time to grow accustomed to. Additionally, the Wii is not always very sympathetic to unique styles of dancing, so it doesn't necessarily dig my moves. Nevertheless, it's a fun routine reminiscent of team Signature made famous on the show Britain's Got Talent.

I'm sure it won't be too terribly long before I get completely sick of the song. I suspect in a few weeks I will be ready to move on to Carly Rae Jepsen or P!nk or The Black-Eyed Peas or whoever else is on the disc. But for now, I'm bustin' out the Bhangra, and I'm in heaven.

Day 144 - 241: New Toy

New app called Word Collage - addicting.

Breakfast - tacos with chorizo, egg, & cheese
Lunch - 2 Slim Jim's and an Atkins bar (oh, YEAH?????)
Dinner - more street taco guts and 1/4 orange

Exercise - surviving the day

Man, I suck today. Tomorrow, something brilliant, plus a movie review, I swear.

Day 142: Faculty Luncheons, Receptions, and Happy Hour, Oh My!

Okay, it's like this:  people want you to be like them.  It makes them nervous when you're not.  Just try this on for size:  go to an event, like an office party, a baby shower, a holiday happy hour, and don't eat what they're serving.  I'm telling you, everyone in the place will make it their mission to:

1.  Tell you why this occasion is an official pass from your (and their) diet
2.  Tell you everything on the buffet table, menu, or bar list that is on your diet, in case you're not clear
3.  Tell you how sorry they are you can't have the cake/lasagna/punch/fried pickles because they are just SOOO good and are you SURE you can't have just a little bit? (Please refer to item 1)

Now, to be clear, I'm not pissed off by such actions.  I get it.  The compulsion to have people where you are, for good or ill, is a strong one.  When I ate whatever batshit crazy thing I wanted, I sure as hell wanted everyone else on the sin wagon right along with me.  Now that I have adjusted my lifestyle and my eating habits somewhat, I find myself urging on the people I love to come along for the ride.  You and I, we want company on whatever path we walk.  No one wants to feel totally alone.

But this is what I want people to hear, whatever three or so of you might be listening out there:  just because I have celery on my plate and not pasta, just because I'm not eating the cake and punch, just because I'm not clearing out the chip bowl:  it doesn't mean that I'm feeling deprived.  I'm happy to just be there with you.  I enjoy the company and the conversation.  Would I like a chip?  Possibly.  Can I resist it?  I can...and it's even easier for me to do so when you don't make a situation out of it. 

Breakfast - Atkins bar and a latte
Lunch - celery, a couple of slices of Gouda cheese and roast beast (courtesy of my awesome friend Stacy)
Reception food - none, despite a lot of urging on the part of everyone there
Dinner - two Grey Gooses and a plate of queso fundido that I should have only eaten half of (at the moment it's like a rock on my stomach)

Exercise - 35 minutes of the BW Booty Shake:  a better experience than Monday, for sure.  I put all of my original songs back into the playlist - it was like a family reunion, except with hot Shahrukh Khan instead of your skeevy uncle and a thousand cousins you've never heard of....wow.   Family issues, anyone? 

In a brief postscript, let me just add that I'm looking at my front Christmas tree right now, and it makes me just as happy tonight as it did the first day.  Here's a clip from the film Kuch Kuch Hota Hai that makes me feel the same way:

Day 140 – 242: Pouting in the Red Tent

I hate having my period. I'm grouchy, I'm oily, and I feel gross and dirty all the time. I feel both constantly dehydrated and constantly bloated. How is that even possible? On top of all that, I have a fairly miserable sinus headache at the moment. So, I'm driving home feeling both totally plugged up and totally leaky all at the same time, and I'm thinking to myself, "There is no way in hell I am going to work out." I come home, I do homework, I take a nice long shower, and I get ready for bed. I should be cozy, warm, and comfortable. But I feel even more shitty then I did before. Why? Because I didn't work out, dammit.

So, I got up and forced my way through 30 minutes of the BW Booty Shake. I won't lie and say that halfway through, everything became wonderful. It didn't. By the time I was finished, 30 minutes later, I felt cranky, sticky and gross all over again. Plus, when I weighed myself after, I weighed a half a pound more than I had before I started working out. There is just no justice in that whatsoever. But, here it is: it needed doing, the working out. Why? Because I've been slipping down the slope. Not in a big way: I haven't jumped off the ledge, broken my diet completely, or simply stopped working out. And yet, the last week has not been what it should have. I haven't been blogging, which says that I haven't been real with myself. I found myself spending hour after hour in and out of the kitchen yesterday, just trying to find something to shove in my face. I didn't break the diet, but I didn't really follow it, either. I worked out Saturday, but I could have worked out harder, and I could have worked out Sunday. I needed to remind myself today that this thing that I'm doing: it's a choice. It is necessary, but it is optional. I choose to save myself, or to not.

I've been in a slump, and the visit from my little friend certainly doesn't help. So, here I am, glaring at the world from the red tent. My visitor isn't leaving town tomorrow, and I have a good 14-hour day ahead of me. None of that is going to magically get better because I wish it to...but I can. I can be better tomorrow. Will I? I suppose we'll see.