Day 205 - 277.8: Back from the Dead

Well, two things got resurrected in the last 10 days: my shame and my recovery. I've been hiding from my blog, which is so stupid, I don't even know how to explain it. My weight has fluctuated wildly: as high as 235, and as low as, well, today. I spent last weekend curled up on the couch… huddled really...eating as much as I could stuff in my face. I tried to console myself, justify what I was doing, by telling myself, "there aren't any carbs in this - how bad could it be?" Terrible. That's how bad. Enough for, I don't know, about eight people in one day. I knew, KNEW I was just eviscerating my progress, but the secret, ugly defiance grabbed me by the hair, pried open my gullet, and stuffed me like a Thanksgiving turkey. I put myself to bed Sunday night greasy, bloated, sick in both heart and body, swearing that Monday would dawn anew, and I would get up and work out my shit.

Monday morning, like a justified and ancient wrath, a sinus headache descended on me with the force of an anvil dropped off a cliff, Wile E. Coyote style. By the end of the work day, I'm sitting in a meeting, sobbing in agony, trying to convince my friend and Jazzercise partner that, "I'll be fine once I start working out, right?" See looks at me with the face that only she can make: that face that says, "Have you lost your mind completely?" and says "No, not right. Go to CareNow. Now!" But how can I do that? How can I allow this day to go unresolved? I was supposed to work out my shit today! I can't NOT do anything to make this weekend go away!

Yes I could. I went to CareNow, had them look up my nose, tap on my face, and pronounce, "yes, it's a sinus infection." That's why we pay them the big bucks. So, a shot of steroids in the butt, a day of peaceful rest, and a great weigh-in Wednesday brought me back to life. Pushing through a rough "day after the headache" to Jazzercise in pain and working up the nerve to get back in the fire and blog about it, warts and all - that sent my shame back to its dungeon.

Today, a bunch of compliments - "Have you lost more weight? Are those jeans too big?" I smile, and give a truly heart-felt thank you to each of them. But here's what I REALLY lost - the big, ugly, albatross-riding monkey off my back. And you know? Your clothes DO fit better without it!

So, for today at least, I'm back in the saddle. Just for today, maybe, but Julia got her groove back. I've come this far...what's one more day?


Alleluia.


Amen.